Extract from a Book....Never to be finished

I promised earlier to tell you a funny story. It illustrates the frustration that builds in all of us when a difficult situation is not improving. It also illustrates that children, not just adults get frustrated.

Every day in our house was a routine of dispute between Mum and Dad.  The year was 1964. In the middle of the night my three-year-old brother, our German Shepherd Dog Blackie, our few possessions and I were collected together in the small living room of a council house that had been our home. Quietly we left the house, having no idea what was happening.

Within the hour we were boarding a Robin Hood coach out of Nottingham, whose destination was Manchester. My Father was doing what most people do when in trouble, going back to his own roots. He had been born and educated in Manchester, so perhaps he felt that familiar ground would improve his life. I doubt he was considering ours.

We finally arrived in a suburb of Manchester, in a street of terraced houses. A man met us, let us in and gave my Dad some keys. The rooms were small and the kitchen was tiny. As we opened the back door we entered a small yard with a silver metal dustbin minus its lid. To the left of a green wooden gate that separated us from the rest of the street, there was a covered coal shed holding a small amount of coal.

When we stepped back into the house my eyes tried to draw Dads attention to tell us what was happening.

I felt horror as he told us that this was our new home, a new start. He had not told anyone. My school with all my friends would find out later that we had moved. I would never see them again. Everything I had and had learned had gone.

My new school had normal northern friendliness but part of me felt ripped from all that had been mine. Within the week the school bully came looking for me. I dealt with provocation well, knowing that if and when it became too much I would deal with it. There is a lot of truth in the idea that a bully feeds off what they see as your weakness if you wait too long to respond and it seems to empower them to belittle you more. Eventually I followed the school tradition, a showdown after the school day.

A hundred kids must have gathered to see the outcome. My enemy at first found me confusing. I was not going to run but he had to give me a reason to fight. A good enough reason would be to throw a punch. Sure enough we were soon in the throes of battle with what sounded like the cries of a football crowd around us, eagerly egging us on. It’s fair to say we had reached the point of looking like two boys who had been scrapping, when suddenly the huge crowd began to disappear at speed! As a gap appeared I saw an elderly lady waving a dark wooden walking stick in the air. Her words were like blows. This was uncivilised behaviour that would be reported to our headmaster. She had got our attention.

What happened next says something of the human condition. My sparring partner, whose name was Neil, asked me if I wanted to come to his house nearby for a drink!

It soon became clear to me his parents were never around either. Next morning, sitting with our wounds on display in class, we gave the usual answer to our form master when he asked what we had been doing, “Nothing Sir”. Neil and I became great friends. He was a brilliant football goalkeeper and we went on to play some outstanding football together. I am happy to report his bullying stopped and he later developed into a fine parent.

I was never at ease with violence as a means to resolve issues. It was a last resort for me. Inevitably there came a time when Dad stood in front of me and I would need to take such a decision again.

Close to midnight I heard Mum and Dad return from the pub. Actually I had heard them coming when they were half way down the street, as had everyone else. Once in the house the argument increased. My Brother lay asleep. It was time to act.

I walked downstairs in my striped pyjamas, not quite knowing what I was going to say. I walked into the living room. The TV was on and Dad sat in his sacred chair. He would be master in his own home. I told them Mike was asleep and they would wake him up.

In a dismissive voice my Dad told me to go back to bed.

I began to reinforce my point that they would wake my Brother but even before I had finished my sentence he was out of his chair. He looked like a man on the deck of a ship in raging seas. As he wobbled towards me he said, “You are not too old to get a slap”. This had never happened before but perhaps at thirteen he was now seeing me as a threat. This did not seem to be the new start he had predicted.

In good Mancunian tradition he “asked me out”. This meant we should take our jackets off and fight. It seemed more sensible to keep my pyjama jacket on! It was cold outside and I had nothing on my feet. By now he had gone into our backyard and was beckoning me. Mum told me to go back to bed, but this was a man thing.

Here I was then, in our backyard, freezing, frustrated and sick of this man, who called himself my Father, being a dictator.

My fight with Neil had prepared me. I offered him the first punch. Dad delivered it but it was more likely to land next door, it was so far wide of me. No doubt embarrassed he promised his next effort would be better. He decided getting up close and cosy would help, so we stood nose to nose. By now my fear had gone. As in everything else I had seen in him, he looked pathetic. His breath had more power so to make him step away I pushed him in the chest with the tips of my fingers on both hands. I must have caught him off balance, because he began to move backwards, each step looking unsteadied until he found a place to land. That place was in the bin that had no lid. It was if he had sat on a chair where the bottom had fallen out! Even funnier, he was stuck and could not raise his backside out. His hand reached out. I walked back into the house, locked the door, told Mum not to let him in and then I went back to bed. I looked in on my Brother who was still sleeping. It seemed a very satisfying night’s work.

Next morning it seemed like a dream. We had heard nothing of him since I had locked up. It seemed to me I was in for some trouble but my priority was to get to school. Curiosity made me check he was not still in the bin and sure enough he had escaped. As I was about to go back in I heard a noise. Walking to the back gate, what I saw next is imprinted on my mind.

There was Dad still dressed in his suit, fast asleep on the coal with his arm around next doors Dog! It was priceless.

**Extracted from “Some take the Biscuit....Others get the crumbs”

Further reading at: http://dcarpenter1.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/book-on-social-comment-that-can-only-be.html

Statistics and Lies....

Ever been tempted to use a distorted statistic to improve a point?

Some are Masters at such art of deception.

It’s made easier because many people don’t spend too much time reasoning on what they are told.

What results is a very rocky foundation.

Three such ways that have been tried come to me immediately.

The first was a Salesman eager to reinforce his value to his new boss.

In his monthly presentation with his colleagues he would assert the value of his business compared year on year and month on month.

Unlike his colleagues he said he was using a “superior” measure of the business taken by him to produce a good comparison in hard times.

Asked to revert the next month by comparing actual profit like everyone else he suddenly found himself in high deficit and a fall in Ego! Numbers that don’t give you the truth have no value or Integrity.

In an Office recently someone reading a newspaper told everyone they would certainly not be getting a Metallic Grey car because Insurers had reported a massively higher accident rate than other colours.

It was good to hear a voice of reason point out that the reason was that statistically there were considerably more cars of that colour on the road!

Lastly, in an effort to claim that German football is more popular than the English Premier League, figures were released to show the average attendance at week end in Germany was higher than in the UK.

Responding, the Football Association gently countered that a better way to measure was to take the capacity of each ground in the league and measure the percentage of seats taken overall.

You’ve got it.

Relax. The UK football fan is alive and well with our grounds filled to greater capacity than Germany.

So, when you are on your way to the Ground in your Metallic Grey Car, rethink how you present those figures to your Boss next week to avoid an own goal.

Mentoring reveals the REAL You

Mentoring is held in high regard but not well understood by many people.

A Dictionary would define the role as being an Adviser or Guide and of course it is but definitions can never capture the “spirit” of the task.

Advice and guidance can raise awareness but a Mentor needs to create the right motivation to establish a person’s confidence in what they want or need to achieve.

It may be as simple as “proving” why they should have more confidence in themselves.

A Mentor does not begin by giving advice because they need to get to know the person first.

Empathy is vital when undertaking to help someone and patronising words will never build a foundation for progress.

It takes constructive criticism as well as convincing compliments to get a person’s trust.

The quality of the Mentor is vital since good instruction of a student will influence them to mirror the teacher.

Without trust there will never be advancement.

An honest relationship is reassuring but it cannot be switched off.

A Mentor responds to any need that arises by being available.

The idea is not to make decisions for anyone but to train a person to weigh the facts and then not shy away from making a choice and taking action.

A Mentor is not a Social Worker but is an effective listener in order to communicate a relevant response.

It’s a hugely satisfying role in which you forge lasting friendships and see that friend achieve more than they ever thought possible.

Whether young or middle aged, anyone can benefit from Mentoring.

Directors of Companies sometimes find it hard because they have learned to be confident in themselves but those brave enough to embrace it become the best in their profession because they are “reinforced”.

Some make the mistake of providing a task to a Mentor when they have already anticipated the outcomes.

I have worked with staff believed to be “great who weren’t and others believed to be “deadwood” when they weren’t either.

At times we form an opinion and then reinforce it through a favoured interaction but a Mentor is impartial.

Mentoring does not favour anyone but responds to the Individual to harness the very best of themselves, at times with remarkable results.

Never make the mistake that a person who seems confident on the outside always feel the same on the inside.

Never to suffer doubts would suggest you think too much of yourself or you enjoy the delusion.

The trick is to be balanced in knowing your strengths and weaknesses.

A Mentor will help you manage both to maximise your potential...and yes your weaknesses are safe with us.

Never Assume – Communicate Clearly

Let’s take a journey to a Lancashire mill town in the 1950s, somewhere like Blackburn or Bolton.

The setting was that the mills were the primary source of employment.  When a person left School, they knew that they would be joining Mum, Dad, older Brothers and Sisters and their extended family in this same work environment.

One job everyone relied on lay in the hands of the Foreman who had the important task of sounding the “Noon Hooter”.

Simply put, sounding the “Noon Hooter” was the call for the Town to stop work for lunch, very much awaited by all workers.

The Foreman took this responsibility very seriously. Every morning he took the same route to work, always walking up the High Street.  Each day he would stop at a jewellers shop, take a brief look at the window display and then complete his journey to the mill.

The Proprietor of the shop became curious.  This man had never entered his shop to purchase anything or asked for advice.  Sensing a possible sale he determined to speak to the Foreman the next morning.

Exactly on time the next morning the Foreman used his same routine and was found looking in the shop window once again.  As he was about to move away the Proprietor joined him outside wanting to learn more.

“Excuse me”, he said, “I couldn’t help noticing that you look in my window every morning and I wondered if I could help at all?”

“Not really”, replied the Foreman, “I have an important task at the mill and I like to be accurate.  I sound the “Noon Hooter”, so every morning I look at the quality clock in your window, set my watch and then know my timing is right since everyone relies on it”.

“That’s a fine attitude”, responded the Proprietor, “but there is one flaw.  I set the clock for accuracy by the “Noon Hooter” each day!”

Moral of the story:

We can act in good faith but unless we are sure of our facts, our chances of getting things right are reduced.

Lost and Found in a Lancashire Town

Have you ever been told to “get lost” before you have even said a word?

Hard as it will be for you to accept it I know, I have.

It produces mixed reactions in you.

“Who do they think I am?”

“I must have called at a bad moment”

What a good Salesman hears is “make an appointment”, so I visit Reception only to find that being told to get lost meant just that but with the reassurance that it’s normal, not personal.

Well that certainly helps.

Maybe If I was selling anger management courses or how to greet visitors I could achieve my budget in this one Company alone!

Sadly I wasn’t.

“How do I get an appointment then?” I asked Reception.

“He only makes his own”, came the sheepish reply but I got a name and left Intrigued.

I then set about what is called in the North “mithering the Man” which in English means ringing him constantly and receiving various robust negatives but refusing to give up.

He soon realised I would not give in until I got an appointment when his next game was “can you be here for 7.00 a.m. tomorrow morning?”

(Did he really think sales people were up that early?)

“Earlier if you wish”, said I, not wishing to sound bullied.

And so at 6.50 a.m. I stood waiting. (yawning too)

At 6.59 a.m. he stood before me saying no more than “come with me”

Without a word he surely took me the longest possible route through the factory to his office and said “sit down” and you know I can be good at being obliging.

“You’re a damn pest and you have exactly five minutes before we are done”, he said.

I took my watch off (Ok but I was young!) and placed it in front of me and for the sake of holding my own I told him I noticed the factory floor was badly in need of repainting and marking and that guessing the size as roughly this, in the same colour scheme the cost would be that and was he agreeable to bringing back to his expected high standards?”

He told me the actual size (and I was close), I readjusted the cost and asked my question again about going ahead.

“I suppose you will promise to have it here tomorrow too wont you?” he asked.

For a nominal charge I would guarantee it I told him, now apologising that I may have exceeded my five minutes. (Ok I was young!)

I sat there thinking he was now playing his next game, pretending to get me an order number but amazingly he did!

“Now get lost” he said ending as we started.

Now here is the lesson.

First my confession that I loaded the price because all the odds seemed against me and he deserved it (Ok I was young!) but dreading my next visit I met the man who looked the same but who was now being friendly and offered me a drink!

Was he the twin?

Maybe he had bumped his head I thought.

Get this for a style.

He only dealt with people who wanted to do business and who he could rely on in the long term.

Very few ever came back for more and those that did, received preferential business.

In fact, it turned out he was a lovely man.

Later that year he reminded me that when he had described me as a “damn pest” that bit was true!

A compliment of course....I think. (Hard to tell when you are young!)

I have now matured to “young at heart”

I am still working on that pest thing though!

How Good Is Your Hearing?

A farmer had spent all his life working the land in North Yorkshire. He had watched his father and grandfather before him working long hours but finding great satisfaction in their lifestyle. They had taught him the value of maintaining family unity, concern for his neighbours and respect for the land. It was like a bygone era that remained untouched by the world outside. Any onlooker would see that hard work battling the land developed discipline and patience. To some it would seem a lonely, isolated existence.

 The reality was that simple lessons had been learned over the years and had become trusted ideals. The character of the man was to take what he had, not what he thought he should have, cultivate it and always respect the land. A young nephew, who had fixed on a career in the more modern business world, constantly asked his uncle to visit the centre of Leeds with him for a day’s relaxation. Time and time again he resisted the idea, not being able to recall the time he last ventured into the City. A persistent nephew asked so often, that in time he felt the need, very reluctantly, to make just one visit.

Arriving in Leeds, the farmer was a little unsettled by the crowd of people rushing about and the noise all around. He remarked on this to his nephew, suggesting the traffic and people would not be a setting he would wish for every day!

 “Yes uncle, but this is a different world where dreams are made and people prosper”, said the nephew with optimism. Walking along a street to a shopping mall the uncle suddenly stopped and said “Listen to that” “What?” said the nephew, “I cannot hear anything?”

The farmer walked to a small patch of green grass, not recently cut. He bent down, cupped his hands and held a grasshopper.

 How on earth could you have heard that over all this noise?” asked the nephew. “Everyone could hear if they wished”, said the uncle. “Not me uncle, it’s impossible”, asserted the young nephew. “You are wrong” said the farmer “and I will prove it”

He took out a handful of change and tipping his hand he let it fall to the pavement. Immediately, the crowd stopped and looked.

 Moral of the story:

We hear what we want to hear, when in fact we should hear what we need to hear.

Are you building a “Stereotype” or a Prototype?

I smiled when I read the story of an Essex Girl who so surprised herself she now wanted to seek a place at University.

Apparently her confidence had risen when she managed to complete a 500 piece puzzle in just 18 months.

Asked why this seemed outstanding she said “It said on the box 3 to 6 years!”

It reminded me that the humour was written around a “stereotype” in order for it to work.

A stereotype is something that has been standardised and not really how we want ourselves or our business to be viewed.

Image is Important to us all so how others view us will have a positive or negative influence on outcomes.

I got off lightly at school getting the nickname DC which is still used to this day.

Think of some of the poorer nicknames you can remember being given to some from your schooldays and you will see my point.

Image sticks so we ignore it at our peril.

What about our business then?

What early Image does it present to people because you can be sure you will be “boxed” under a heading to be remembered?

In truth you may have brilliant product or services but imagine this:

First I Google the product I need to source in good volumes.

There you are on page one of choices – so that’s a good start.

I click to your Web and “oh dear – this does not look promising”

The Web introduction is outdated, uninspiring and fits the “stereotype” of a Company with no interest in grabbing your attention.

Maybe that’s just a lapse, so a phone call might be better.

Its only 9.30 a.m. but the phones ringing a long time.

Five tries later I get reception.

“sorry there’s no-one available in that department so can you call back later?”

“Well actually I am pretty busy myself trying to give a big order to someone – so can someone call me back?”

“I will pass it on”.

Two days later I am still waiting but I don’t want to decide on the proposals I now have without completing the circle – so I ring them again.

“All I can say is we passed the message on so you can be sure they will ring you when they can” is all the progress I get.

It’s too late – the stereotype is fixed in my mind and all I could envisage with this Company is problems.

You might be investing millions in your business in other areas but getting a return might be problematic when you have also worked so hard to reveal a lack of care.

The small details of a relationship have to be important to a business.

Producing an obstacle course leads to your competitor.

None of us can avoid creating an Image – but having the sense to Influence it to be positive reaps the best rewards for the long term.

I often wonder what happened to “stinky” from school.

It’s so easy to lose touch!